tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post8733499898937334437..comments2024-03-27T11:54:49.403-04:00Comments on I Just Finished Reading...: When the parent becomes the childJennifer B.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14499251230157627049noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-80610698536596537402009-11-13T08:18:29.052-05:002009-11-13T08:18:29.052-05:00Oh Lori, hugs to you and your family. It's har...Oh Lori, hugs to you and your family. It's hard enough to balance the needs of your children, your spouse and yourself--with both you and Bob working as you do and your boys so active. Taking care of a parent who refuses to see the impact of her decisions on herself and you, doubly hard. Praying for you my friend. <br /><br />Paul and I went through the secretive stuff with his Dad in his last years. Very hard, extremely frustrating as it denied all sense. By the time we knew all of it, it was too late. Echoing what others have said, shame on your in-laws for keeping her secret. That was irresponsible and only adds to the pressures on Bob and the other spouses. Unfair and a layer of feelings nobody wants I'm sure. <br /><br />Hugs, prayers for you guys. I only wish I had more for you.Jennifer B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/14499251230157627049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-1148339383220574482009-11-13T02:08:32.594-05:002009-11-13T02:08:32.594-05:00Hang in there, Lori!
I'm going through someth...Hang in there, Lori!<br /><br />I'm going through something similar with my mom (she's 80), in that we're quickly seeing her capacity to care for herself diminish. My dad (who's 83) now has to bring her over for me to watch when he has classes or meetings. She can no longer be alone in the house. There's a part of her that's aware of it, and accepts it, but at times, she's also resentful and ornery about being "babysat". When I tell her that my dad just doesn't want her to fall down when she's alone in the house, she responds, "But, I fall all the time. It's no big deal." ::headdesk::<br /><br />I know what helped my parents as they got older (and when my mom was a little more with it) was joining a Senior Citizen's group. They actually were involved in 2 or 3 groups run by their and neighboring cities. It gave them a social outlet, as well as an opportunity to volunteer.Reneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15408227410388147148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-73723417253212083662009-11-13T00:32:21.482-05:002009-11-13T00:32:21.482-05:00Thank you all so much for your support. Several of...Thank you all so much for your support. Several of you mentioned grief counseling. My mom did go to a support group initially when my dad died, but decided all those ladies wallowing in their self pity wasn't for her. Ironic, no? My sister and I laugh about it now. And although we made the suggestion again, my mom has decided that she is totally over it.<br /><br />I think a big part of what's happening also is that she's the only one of her friends who is widowed and also the only one not still living in the house that they've lived in for years and years. So she's feeling a bit left out and has a bit of the keeping up with the Jones syndrome. <br /><br />It helps so much just knowing that there's a wonderful community of friends out there willing to let me whine and moan and who are so supportive. You guys really are the absolute best.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08250972350798310498noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-21246434210680464312009-11-13T00:05:15.743-05:002009-11-13T00:05:15.743-05:00It's so hard isn't it? God bless you Lori...It's so hard isn't it? God bless you Lori, because when a person gets to the point they are talking about the stress in their lives it usually means it's pretty intense. No words of wisdom here, just sending you lots of love. Would a SoCal gathering help or be the last straw?Rosiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868327419940314643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-92177116128026354322009-11-12T23:31:00.961-05:002009-11-12T23:31:00.961-05:00Lori,
My heart goes out to you and your mother an...Lori,<br /><br />My heart goes out to you and your mother and family are in my prayers.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-77367045331652393812009-11-12T22:56:18.069-05:002009-11-12T22:56:18.069-05:00I'm so sorry you're going through this. I...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have the exact same situation but my father is pretty inactive which drives me insane and then he complains about how old he is (66--not old at all). Get out of the house, dude. And my mom (divorced) seems to be losing touch with reality. Gets on these tangents and acts inappropriately in public. At a cousin's wedding about something that happened 20 years ago. Sigh.<br /><br />I'd love for both of them to be in counseling but I have to settle for me going instead! ;-) Hang in there.Collettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11118664654134825732noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-87363662402482685492009-11-12T18:12:14.368-05:002009-11-12T18:12:14.368-05:00I saw what my own mother went through with my gran...I saw what my own mother went through with my grandmother and every so often I tell her, "I hope you took notes Ma!" <br /><br />You nailed the problem when you mentioned that your mother isn't really "doing" anything - hence the need to undergo some sort of radical change (oh like buying a condo - gah!) every so often. She hasn't really dealt with your father's passing. Not that she should get over his loss overnight (hardly!) - but like you said, she needs to find the joy in life. And there is a lot of joy out there to be found - she just need to put forth the effort.<br /><br />I vote for grief counseling - but yeah, good luck with that. Also, keep a very close eye on her hygiene and mental issues. These tend to be early signs of larger problems. Because if those take root and get worse? You and your siblings will have some tough decisions to make.<br /><br />Hugs to you and Bob.Wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12485867264936716806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-76864480142383883532009-11-12T16:37:18.921-05:002009-11-12T16:37:18.921-05:00Lori, my dad passed away almost 9 years ago. My m...Lori, my dad passed away almost 9 years ago. My mom has done well, she's 83, but she definitely reached out to family, friends, church and a support group after dad died. I really think that made a world of difference. My aunt, my mom's sister, was also widowed a few days after my dad died. My aunt isn't doing as well as mom. Aunt is 85 and depends on my mom for most of her social life. If mom doesn't go to a gathering my aunt won't go. Then she complains about being lonely and bored. Financially they are both doing well but my aunt does have problems with giving away money but she's always been like that. <br /><br />Anyway, it sounds like your mom knew that you and your siblings would question her decision to buy a house, hence the secrecy. While she is an adult as our parents get older more of what they do affects us if we are the primary support for them when problems arise. IMO, try to get her into counseling for grief and some type of financial counseling/help for someone in her position. Sometimes it helps when an outside opinion is giving rather than from a family member. <br /><br />Good luck and feel free to vent anytime. :)Lesliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12055116610295076439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-62644132591239964552009-11-12T16:35:14.467-05:002009-11-12T16:35:14.467-05:00I'm sorry for all you're dealing with. Wha...I'm sorry for all you're dealing with. What a difficult situation. I'm glad you can vent here and please know that many good thoughts are being sent your way. Good luck!Phylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14665665401551658932noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-54897790903698506632009-11-12T15:39:10.071-05:002009-11-12T15:39:10.071-05:00Awww, Lori. I'm so sorry to hear about your mo...Awww, Lori. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother... and I don't know what to say to help.<br /><br />I can't help but think the in-laws should have told someone in the family. Seriously. To me, there's absolutely no sense for a 71 y.o. woman to buy a home :(<br /><br />Is the condo at least close to your place?<br /><br />I'm glad you vent, I hoped it helped.nathhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02626894830238717124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-67650973913051699332009-11-12T14:15:04.351-05:002009-11-12T14:15:04.351-05:00Oh Lori. I know what you're going through and ...Oh Lori. I know what you're going through and wish I had answers or the perfect advice to offer, but all I can do is offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to your worries. My husband and I have experienced very, very similar issues with his parents (and now just his dad) over the last decade at least. My MIL passed away three years ago and we are now my 84 year old FIL's sole caregivers. He lives with us now. He had a stroke in 2000 when my youngest was barely one and has not been able to take care of himself (can't even work the microwave or find a snack in the pantry) since then. Please call on me to vent, complain, whatever... I think I can be a good listener and we can commiserate together. <br /><br />All I can think of to maybe make your mom reconsider buying a condo is that money talks. If you get her to go with you to a lawyer who knows elder law very well, you may be able to convince her that being a homeowner at this point may end up costing her more in the long run when she needs to fund full time care for herself. I don't know... sometimes the money is enough to scare them to do what we know is a better choice for them. <br /><br />(((hugs)))Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00420773211895134710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18010424.post-44527854455701849252009-11-12T13:58:13.578-05:002009-11-12T13:58:13.578-05:00Oh, my heart really goes out to you. How frustrat...Oh, my heart really goes out to you. How frustrating for you to have to sit by and be unable to prevent it. And being put into a position where you will want and need to help make it okay down the line, but with limited time and resources. <br /><br />My dad passed a year and a half ago, and my mother, who is the same age as yours, is starting to make big decisions on her own, and it's going well so far, but there have been a few times where she refuses to listen to reason, like she makes big decisions emotionally or reactively, and I often think, what is going to happen as this intensifies? <br /><br />My mom (and likely your mom) need grief counseling, but my mom won't hear of it. OH, good luck with all this!!Carolyn Cranehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17195853833116263029noreply@blogger.com