It's so hard to put into words. I'm there, waiting, watching him on the line. Physical and emotional knots of worry twisting me inside out.
Then the gate drops.
And I'm awestruck. Then all business. And ultimately, separate.
Completely separate from him.
In this one thing, he leaves his father and I behind, aside, apart.
Can't find the words... At 6 years old, this is the one instance in which he steps wholly away from me, severs the connection that feels constant otherwise.
I can't feel him, can't anticipate his responses, can't see his train of thought.
It's like he's his own man out there, no matter his size.
To my astonishment, it is not a loss. Not at all.
Instead, there is unspeakable joy in those moments, watching him fly.
Then the gate drops.
And I'm awestruck. Then all business. And ultimately, separate.
Completely separate from him.
In this one thing, he leaves his father and I behind, aside, apart.
Can't find the words... At 6 years old, this is the one instance in which he steps wholly away from me, severs the connection that feels constant otherwise.
I can't feel him, can't anticipate his responses, can't see his train of thought.
It's like he's his own man out there, no matter his size.
To my astonishment, it is not a loss. Not at all.
Instead, there is unspeakable joy in those moments, watching him fly.
It's amazing, awesome, and scary to see them growing up, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteThen they'll do something that reminds you that - yup, he's just a little boy.
Thankfully, more awesome than scary. Helps keep me focused on my "job"--which is another strange phenomenon. For reasons other than "to make you grow big and strong", I have to monitor and provide a diet that works for him as an athlete (sounds silly for 6 years old, doesn't it?). And sleep, and whether he's preoccupied (those first 3 weeks of school case in point). At the track, I'm charged with getting the schedule and keeping him (and his Dad) on time--to signup, to staging, to the gate, etc. I'm also the one who takes care of his gear--checking it for wear and tear, all that. I'm the team manager apparently, LOL. And here I thought that as he got bigger (this was back when he was racing at 4 years old, LMAO), anyway as he got bigger, I thought I'd be getting more and more and more trackside reading time. Huh.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah...got the uh-oh expression this morning when I opened his backpack to pull out his gloves (been snowing here) and of course they weren't in there. "Where are your gloves?" I asked. "Ummmmm...on the ground?" A little boy, yes. Who better have his nose in the lost-and-found box as we speak, LOL.
I'm laughing...cuz it occurs to me that though your boys are ahead of G, you get the pleasure of re-living these 6-year-old years--advising, listening, etc. me. Thank you for that my friend. You are always a huge help and comfort.
ReplyDeleteAwww, he looks so cute LOL :)
ReplyDeleteWow, it must be special to have an athlete at such a young age in the house! :)
Hey, maybe when he'll have his own manager, that's when you'll have more reading time :D
Being firmly of the "non-athlete" set, it is proving a challenge, LOL. Not that I don't make him eat healthy, I do. But...as often as he thinks he can get away with it...I hear..."Mom, I ate good food today..." Which is the precursor to "Can I have ice cream?" My job is to keep track of how many times and people he fools with that a day, LOL.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back from your trip!